As the back-to-school season approaches, it’s a crucial time for anyone with young children in their lives to start conversations about healthy relationships and the importance of consent. Whether you’re a parent, caregiver, grandparent, guardian, educator, or just someone special to a young person, you can help give them skills to recognize unsafe behavior, and the language to express their own boundaries.
This early education in consent promotes respect, and that is what we want the youth to have for both themselves and others. You’ll be helping your child build a foundation for a positive self-image, which will be incredibly impactful to their mental health and future well-being.
Below you can find some conversation starters and phrases that can help.
1. Start Young!
The concept of consent naturally shows up in kids’ lives, like when they ask friends if they want to play, if they’d like to share school supplies, toys, food, and more. Helping kids to ask for consent and accept rejection builds a foundation for practicing consent in intimate relationships when they get older.
- “If your friend doesn’t want to sit next to you today, that’s okay. You can sit next to another friend.”
- “Before you take your friend’s toy, ask them if you can play with it.”
- “If you don’t want to share your snack, tell your friend no.”
- “Don’t just grab your sister’s coloring book, ask if you can draw in a page.”
2. Let Kids Be the Boss (of Their Bodies)
It’s so important to create opportunities for children to learn that they’re in control of how they interact with others, and how others interact with them. Try to get in the habit of asking permission, or explaining what you’re doing, before initiating touch.
- “If you don’t want to give Grandma a hug, you can give a wave instead.”
- “Do you want a goodnight kiss from Dad?”
- “Are you ready for me to button up your shirt?”
- “I’m going to rub shampoo in your hair, are you ready?”
3. Be a Role Model
Your child looks up to you! Try your best to model respect for boundaries by asking your child for consent and accepting their answer, like when asking for a hug or sharing information about them with others.
- “Do you want me to tell your teacher about your allergy or do you want to do it together?”
- “It’s okay if you don’t want a goodnight kiss.”
- “Would you like me to speak to your guidance counselor about it, or would you like to say it to them?”
4. Language Matters
As adults, we often find “cutesy” names for the anatomy of children. Names like “vee-vee” or “va-jay-jay.” Be direct when talking about anatomy and don’t use alternate phrases to refer to genitalia for children. Make sure they know the correct body part names, like vulva and penis, and understand who is allowed to touch them and who is not with quick, matter-of-fact statements. When you’re talking about inappropriate touching, use the words “safe” and “unsafe” rather than “good” or “bad.” The words “good” and “bad” are tied to emotions. We don’t want children to think that they are bad for being touched in an unsafe way, so changing your language helps shift the blame away from the survivor and places it on the perpetrator. It also keeps children from having to make a moral distinction about what is and is not appropriate. Children often think in a very concrete way, so the use of the words “good” and “bad” can get confused. For example, if a tickle is uncomfortable, they might call this “a bad touch.”
These conversations are essential, even if it feels awkward. Your guidance will empower them to make safe, informed decisions, so don’t let the discomfort stop you!
As guardians, family, and community members we know the young people in our lives are going to change the world. BARCC wants the world they grow into to be one free from sexual violence. With your help, we can make that happen.
BARCC offers free, confidential support services for survivors over the age of 12 and their caregivers. If you want to learn more about the services we provide, please visit barcc.org/help.
You can create a safer future for our children by making a donation at barcc.org/donate today.