Content Note: Sexual Assault, Stalking, and Spoilers.
Richard Gadd’s miniseries Baby Reindeer is based on his true personal experience as a British playwright and comedian. The show follows Donny, a fictionalized version of Gadd, who is stalked by a woman while coping with the lasting effects of his own sexual assault.
The show has inspired many reactions and ultimately created space for a larger conversation about sexual violence, grooming, female perpetrators, and the male survivor perspective in pop culture.
Here are our main takeaways on Baby Reindeer.
1. Every Survivor’s Experience is Different
Each survivor copes with sexual violence differently. It is important to remember that there is no right way for a survivor to feel, and there is no set timeline. Survivors need to draw on their individual strengths and skills and find what works best for them. Baby Reindeer is one survivor’s story. Richard Gadd chose to express his trauma by playing himself in this series, and there are many choices that his character, Donny, makes that viewers may struggle with.
Baby Reindeer doesn’t show a clear and linear “healing journey” for Donny, as that’s not realistic for many survivors. There is no one way for survivors to process their trauma, and this show does not shy away from Donny’s use of coping skills that many may view as unhealthy. Donny puts himself in harm’s way for external validation, he isolates himself from his friends and family, and takes personal and professional risks in order to manage the feelings of Martha.
If you are looking for some coping mechanisms, you can read our blog post of survivor recommended coping skills or watch these videos. These lists are by no means exhaustive, because there is no right or wrong way to cope after trauma. We encourage survivors to do whatever they can to take care of themselves in ways that are best for them.
2. Fight, Flight, and Fawn: Trauma Responses
When your nervous system realizes you’re in danger, your body will respond with a burst of energy to prepare your body for fight, flight, or freeze. There’s also another trauma response – to fawn. “Fawning” refers to when an individual copes with a perceived danger by attempting to appease whoever is causing the danger in order to prevent them from causing harm. This reaction occurs when the individual is afraid of the response if they do not keep others happy.
Donny struggles throughout the series to cope with the violence he experienced. Donny’s fawning trauma response gives context to his interactions with Martha and why he continues to interact with her, despite feeling unsafe. It also is a way to seek control after sexual assault, where his was taken away. If you’re looking to learn more about what a healthy relationship looks like, you can read our blog post here.
3. Stigma Surrounding a Female Perpetrator
The show reminds viewers that anyone can be a perpetrator of sexual violence, regardless of their gender. When Donny begins to tell people in his life about Martha and his fears, they don’t take it seriously because the perpetrator is a woman. His co-workers make jokes and the police say that he doesn’t have “enough evidence” despite having thousands of harassing emails. Donny even brings up the fact that if the tables were turned, and he was a young woman and it was an older man sending sexual emails, that the police would treat it differently. The police agree, saying that there is a difference between a male and female abuser.
4. Protect Your Peace: Graphic Scenes of Assault
Graphic depictions of sexual violence are unnecessary and they are not needed to show an audience how a survivor processes their experiences. Watching these explicit scenes can trigger viewers and desensitize others, especially if they are not properly warned beforehand.
Baby Reindeer, and all other shows with graphic violence, should come with better trigger warnings. The episode containing the sexual assault does begin with a brief warning, but without much context, it is not helpful to set viewers’ expectations.
Providing proper trigger warnings allows individuals to make informed decisions about their media consumption, and take necessary precautions to protect their mental wellbeing. To prepare yourself before watching a movie or show, sites like Does the Dog Die? and Unconsenting Media allow you to search if something you’re about to watch contains specific triggers.
5. Toxic Masculinity’s Effects on Men Survivors
Toxic masculinity works as a systemic and internal barrier for male survivors. Men aren’t typically socialized to think they are at risk for sexual assault, so if it is done to them, they may feel weak or less “manly,” experiencing the feelings of shame and stigma that Donnny does. This also means they’re more likely to wait much longer before seeking help, isolating them further.
When he reaches a breaking point, Donny speaks to his parents about his experience. He says he was nervous to tell them because he didn’t want them to see him as “less of a man.” That’s an all too common stigma in our culture. When actor Terry Crews spoke up about his own experience being sexually assaulted, he was publicly mocked by peers for not forcefully fighting off the man who assaulted him.
Sexual assault is traumatic regardless of gender, but men survivors are impacted differently. Society’s stigma and shame can lead to men survivors feeling “less than.” Men often wait much longer before seeking help, reporting assault, or confiding in their support systems. He is even asked by the police why he didn’t report Martha sooner.
Final Notes
At the end of the day, no show is worth watching if it will trigger you or cause you immense distress. Many people continue watching distressing shows, like Baby Reindeer, because they “can’t take their eyes away.” When watching graphic and emotionally distressing media, it’s important to check in with yourself. If you need support, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-841-8371 or visit our website for some Self-Care and Coping Exercises.
At BARCC, we support and believe men survivors. If you or someone you know needs support, please know that we are always here to help. You can always call our 24-hour hotline at 800-841-8371 or send us a chat at barcc.org/chat from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m.
There are many ways to participate in a form of media. If you want to engage with the discussion around Baby Reindeer, but decide not to watch the show, here are some alternative resources:
Videos
- ethics of Baby Reindeer by My Little Thought Tree
- Baby Reindeer series by Psychology in Seattle
- This Morning interview with Richard Gadd
- Lorraine interview with Richard Gadd and Jessica Gunning
Readings