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Thursday, September 05, 2013

Unplugging from Technology

One of the things that I really enjoy about BARCC is how we check in with each other to make sure that we are practicing proper boundaries outside of the office.  For instance, when I sent an e-mail to a co-worker at 11pm on Tuesday she commented on how I should not be working at that hour when she responded the following morning.  She's probably right but I also have been exercising poorer-than-usual boundaries between work and home the past few week.  However, I do justify these poor boundaries with the reason that I am leaving for a vacation (read: wedding/honeymoon) this afternoon and won't be back in the office until Oct 1 so there is a lot to accomplish.

This afternoon, two co-workers checked in with me to make sure that I was going to turn off the e-mail from my phone while I was away and travelling.  I assured them that I was taking it a step further and actually completely deleting both my personal and work e-mails from my phone so that I couldn't even be tempted to check e-mails while I was away.  I recognize that one of the main issues I struggle with is turning things off when I leave the office.  It is just so simple to send a quick e-mail or response rather than wait until the next day.  However it is so important to set these boundaries for the purpose of self-care and to ensure that work life does not become 24-7.

I am not the only one who struggles with managing online vs. offline time.  Ever since the creation of Facebook, smartphones, and remote desktops, there have been countless articles about how it is increasingly difficult to separate these two worlds and to encourage people to leave the office at the office.  However, the younger generations aren’t used to this separation of worlds and are very acclimated to having a strong online presence at all hours of the day and night both in a personal and professional way.  So much of our world has shifted to the technology we use and therefore it can be more difficult to avoid certain things when we’re already connected and logged in. 

Many of my Facebook friends have recently posted about how they are going on a Facebook or social media fast for 2 weeks or 30 days.  Unplugging can be an excellent form of self-care and a great time for people to reflect on how they can have better strategies for when they do log back in.

For me, Facebook and Twitter are as much a news source as they are ways to keep in touch with friends.  I am linked to countless feminist media and organization pages and am able to keep a pulse on the news and actions around the globe through these pages rather than going to individual sites or digging through pages of newspapers to find the issues that I truly care about.  In fact, many times the stories and issues I care about aren’t even represented in mainstream media sources.  The downside about this is that I when I do feel overly-stressed from work, news, life, etc logging into Facebook and seeing more new stories about sexual violence or discrimination can cause even more anxiety. 

So what are some strategies that we can use in order to ensure that we are practicing appropriate self-care and boundaries with technology? 

I have asked people to hold me accountable when I do send those e-mails at inappropriate times or if I am at the office too late.  My partner is fantastic at doing that when I am at home.  And, as already mentioned, BARCC co-workers are really great about doing that in the office.

Schedule a specific amount of time to be on things like Facebook or Twitter or the myriad of other sites when at home.  Once the time is up so is the time online.  This can also encourage you to stay focused rather than be distracted by 1,001 videos or pictures of cats.  I had a friend who would unplug her laptop and she would only get the amount of time it took for her laptop to die.  Now with the tablets and newer laptops, that might still be 5 hours so perhaps a different strategy may be needed.

Leave your phone at home.  Gasp! (I know, I struggle with this one ALL the time). But since I know I practice poor boundaries about checking e-mail, articles, and posts I will intentionally leave my phone at home if I am going out for dinner or a similar activity.  Alternatively put your phone on silent and put it away so that you cannot see if anything comes in. 

Remind yourself that you are able to check things at a later time and that everything doesn’t need a response within 5 minutes. 

Changing habits can take some time and building these self-care strategies can be tough.  These are just a few short strategies that could work but of course everyone is different and therefore we’d love to hear your tips, strategies, and challenges in the comments!

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Posted by stacey on 09/05 • (0) CommentsPermalink

Friday, August 30, 2013

Short Overview of NSAC2013

Perhaps, like many of us at the BARCC office, you weren't able to make it out to the National Sexual Assault Conference. For weeks,  CALCASA has been talking about both an impressive program and line up of speakers and performers.  It is truly one of the best places to make connections and build relationships with organizations across the nation who are also focusing on sexual violence.  However, thanks to social media, we can be a part of the conference by following the twitterfeed, Facebook, or instagram and searching for the #nsac2013.  So many organizations are live-tweeting the discussions, what they've learned, and who they have met. 

Perhaps it feels a bit overwhelming to sort through the thousands of tweets that currently exist.  I have been following the tweets the past couple of days and wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes, thoughts, and insights.  Day 3 is today and there is sure to be plenty more amazing work shared and conversations had.  What have been some of your favorite tweets you've seen?  You can quote or link to them in the comments below.
















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Posted by stacey on 08/30 • (0) CommentsPermalink

Friday, August 23, 2013

On Getting Some Help

Something that comes up often from people who call or come to BARCC is a feeling of uncertainty about whether the services available from BARCC are really for them.

Sometimes they worry that their experience was so long ago that the hurt they're feeling today must be less important than the hurt of someone whose experience was more recent. Other times, people who are the parents, or partners, or friends of someone who's been harmed wonder if they deserve to get services. Countless people who haven't figured out the words that feel right to describe an experience ask us if it's OK to be calling with questions.

Ashley, over at Blog a la Cart, wrote a post about seeking support after a trauma in her life.  While her experience was not of sexual violence, it beautifully articulates some of the struggle and relief that can surround getting help:

I’ve found people’s reactions to my candor about seeking mental and emotional counseling and support troubling. Many act surprised (appalled?) that I’m so comfortable openly talking about my need for therapy and even the support of pharmaceuticals to manage the anxiety and fear that took hold of me in the aftermath. Others tell me how “brave” I am to have gotten myself help so immediately. People shouldn’t be surprised. They shouldn’t think I am brave. I sought the medical help I needed when I was not feeling safe. When I was not myself. Just like I would for a broken limb or a sore tooth. My mental and emotional health is tied up in my physical well-being. There was no way I was going to let my anxiety get control of me, and impact not only my everyday, but my family’s, my children’s.

I deserved to feel safe. I deserved to get help.

We all do.

And we shouldn’t be fearful. And we shouldn’t shame those that need the support of mental health services, whatever the reason. And we shouldn’t judge or cast doubt on those that recognize when they are struggling and make use of the resources at hand to feel more themselves. To feel better. Safer.

I am so grateful that I no longer wake up in the night screaming. That I no longer relive flashback after flashback. That I’m not consumed by What Ifs. While the experience has changed me forever, I am feeling more in balance. I am finding my way back to me. And I know, with continued help and support, I’ll get there.

What we always say is, there's a very wide circle of people who are harmed when sexual violence happens, and sometimes the hurt or the disruption from that harm continues for a long time. And anyone in that circle deserves to feel better. Even if what we have to offer isn't quite the right fit, we're always happy to connect you with something that might work better.

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Posted by Meg on 08/23 • (0) CommentsPermalink

Monday, August 19, 2013

What Makes a Safe(r) Ride?

Unfortunately, the Boston area has heard of two reports recently of two individuals (at this time, police do not believe the incidents are connected) who raped people attempting to hail cabs in different areas of the city.

Any sexual assault is troubling, but it is particularly alarming to hear that the assailants in these sexual assaults targeted those who were looking for safer options for getting to their destination.

It is important to stress that the problem behavior here is that people are looking to victimize others. To do so, it appears they're trying to both pass their vehicles off as legitimate taxi or livery options and conceal their own identities.

Cab companies, livery companies, and apps or services that connect drivers, riders, and cars should be prioritizing giving you a safe ride. Here are some ways that an individual or company can demonstrate that they're committed to getting you where you need to go safely:

  • Vehicles are clearly marked. In all cities in Greater Boston that utilize a medallion system for licensed taxis, the medallion number, along with the name of the company, and a phrase such as "Boston Lic. Taxi" should be clearly displayed in multiple places on the body of the car. (The Boston Police have this photo of the markings on a licensed taxi in Boston. Unfortunately, not all Greater Boston cities and towns conform to the same marking standards, so for example, Cambridge or Brookline cabs might look different.)

    Livery companies and car sharing programs should also be able to clearly identify the vehicle that you have called for, either by signage, or by notifying you ahead of time of the make and model and license plate number of the car you're expecting. Any changes should be communicated to you in advance.
  • Drivers identify themself and have identification visible in the car. This should be posted clearly for passengers in the vehicle. Some companies will also provide a name and photo of the driver ahead of time. Some drivers for private livery companies may also have business cards. Some companies--though by no means all--do background screenings of their drivers.
  • Drivers are respectful and courteous and do not make passengers feel uncomfortable. In our past work on taxi safety, we heard stories from numerous riders--in licensed and unlicensed taxis, and from car services--about drivers who made comments about riders' clothes, bodies, or the fact that they appeared to be going home alone at night. This obviously left riders feeling vulnerable, since in most cases the drivers had the address of their destination.

Essentially, a legitimate taxi or car service with drivers who are behaving safely have set up a system that creates some accountability: it is easy to identify their cars and drivers and to locate them again after the ride is over. The safest ride option is the service or driver willing to demonstrate that to you and to make sure you feel comfortable riding with them. We have a right to safe ride options at all hours, in all neighborhoods.

Friends and community members can talk with those in their lives who are attempting to style their private vehicles in a way that mimics a taxi or car service vehicle, or have spoken about offering unsolicited rides to people they don't know, as this is not safe behavior.

As always, our 24/7 hotline--800.841.8371--is available not just to those who have experienced a sexual asault, but also to those who might be concerned or feeling vulnerable in the wake of assaults in our community. A number of neighborhoods and communities have experienced violence in the past few months that have left individuals feeling unsafe and wanting some tools for themselves. We'd like to recommend our colleagues at IMPACT, a Boston-area organization offering realistic personal safety and self-defense to folks of all genders (including LGBQT-specific classes), people with disabilities, and trauma survivors.

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Posted by Meg on 08/19 • (1) CommentsPermalink

Friday, August 16, 2013

Reflections on my painful yet empowering trip to the dentist

I went to the dentist yesterday and, like many people, I really detest going to the dentist.  Probably more so than any other type of doctor.  I always find it painful and uncomfortable.  I routinely put off my 6 month cleanings for exactly that reason.  Case in point: I only just went yesterday and technically I was due for a cleaning in March. 

In addition to the dentist, I really hate needles.  I can’t explain why but I just can’t stand getting shots, doing blood tests, or really even seeing needles on the TV.  As soon as that novacaine shot is put on the tray my breathing dramatically increases.  That shot is about as unfriendly-looking as a needle can get. 

I am very clear with my dentist though that I hate coming and I hate everything about the process, and she understands.  More importantly, she remembers this each and every time I have an appointment.  I’m not sure if there is a note in my file or if she has an amazing memory.  Regardless, what matters is that each time I am there she states that she knows I get nervous and anxious and she takes steps to address that.  She always checks to see if I have my inhaler (in case I get too anxious). She always informs me what she is going to do beforehand.  This alleviates some of my anxiety because I know I will never be surprised when she decides to do the shot. Lastly she always reminds me that I can raise my left hand at any point and that she will stop whatever is happening and check in with me.

Being in a dentist’s chair can be incredibly disempowering because of how it completely removes the ability to voice one’s concerns or pains. We are not able to pull away from the pain because of how it may create further pain or injury.  We are subject to the dentists’ will and ability to read our non-verbal cues.

This past appointment, I had to get a single cavity filled.  My dentist thought that it was shallow and that it could potentially be done without novacaine.  We talked about it and I agreed to try (remember that giant fear of needles?).  Turns out it was a horrible life decision because the cavity was deeper than she thought and it ended up causing a lot of pain.  Twice she stopped because I winced (but had not yet raised my left hand) and checked in with me.  Twice I said to keep going.  The third time I winced, we decided that I would have to have the novacaine shot after all and she apologized for being incorrect about the size of the cavity.  Trust me, the novacaine shot is important when getting cavities filled. 

Despite the pain and trauma that I experienced, I see this most recent visit as yet another reason to stay with my dentist.  She took the time to reflect on my fears, have a conversation, offer options, and incorporate what I wanted into the decision.  All in all, it was an empowering experience.  We made some bad choices but we made them together and we thought we were doing the best thing. 

Many survivors will avoid preventative and urgent health care.  Being in a doctor or dentist’s office can be very disempowering.  Changing into a robe that barely covers your body and having any type of medical exam can create feelings of vulnerability.  Many survivors have also had really negative responses from medical professionals.  Perhaps they were given poor treatment and it retriggered memories of the assault.  Perhaps they disclosed the assault and either weren’t believed or brushed off. There are a variety of reasons as to why survivors may not trust or feel comfortable in a medical office. 

It is not yet standard for doctors to provide time and understanding care to each patient. Instead they are required to see a certain number of patients each day to fill health insurance quotas.  Maybe it is just easier for them to ask the mandatory questions and address the acute problem at hand rather than delve any deeper. 

It is not yet standard for doctors or dentists to come up with safety rules (such as raising the left hand) to make sure that the patient always has a way to express feeling uncomfortable.  Our society teaches us that certain authority figures, such as doctors, must be respected and that their opinion and knowledge is much more important than ours.  Therefore it may be very difficult for people to verbally tell a doctor to stop what they are doing.  It may feel a bit easier to use a body cue, especially if one was discussed at the beginning of the appointment.

There isn’t even a standard for doctors to explain what they are doing beforehand.  There is a belief that not telling patients what might hurt or speedily going to an exam procedure is a better practice.  However, that is only incorporating what the provider thinks is best and completely ignoring the voice and wishes of the patient. 

There is very little, if any, information in medical school about sexual violence despite the prevalence in society.  Therefore people don’t have the information or framework unless they seek it out specifically.  The lack of patient and trauma focused care can make it very scary for survivors to access care.

I am happy that BARCC offers a training for medical providers that talks about the prevalence of sexual violence and the impacts that it can have on patients even years after the assault.  I am also happy that several of my friends are looking into medical school and have expressed that one of their reasons for doing so is the lack of trauma-focused care. 

Survivors deserve to have access to both comprehensive and compassionate health care.



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Posted by stacey on 08/16 • (1) CommentsPermalink

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